Thermo anounce P2 chip available tomorrow, P3 available the day after

BREAKING NEWS: ThermoFisher who own Life Technologies who own Ion Torrent have announced that the fabled P2 chip for their sequencing technology will be available “tomorrow” and that the P3 chip will be available “the day after”.

When asked if that means the P2 chip will be available in 24 hours time, our source said “No, you don’t understand.  The P2 chip will be available tomorrow.  Ask us again in 24 hours time, and the answer will be the same – the P2 chip will be available tomorrow.  Same with the P3.  It will arrive exatcly 1 day after the P2 chip – the day after tomorrow”

In other news, the company announced that their HiQ chemistry consisted of billions of nanobots that have systematically removed all indels from every life form on Earth, which means that it no longer matters that the PGM and proton cannot detect them reliably

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Miracle Ebola drug to be withheld until companies figure out how to make money from it

Liberia.  Miracle drug ZMapp, which is said to have saved the lives of two American aid works infected with Ebola, is to be withheld from further trials until pharmaceutical companies figure out how to make money from it, The ScienceWeb has learned.

Kent Brantly and Nancy Writbol, rich Americans, received ZMapp after contracting Ebola during an aid mission.  Both survived.  However, 1000s of Africans are currently infected with the deadly virus, and many are asking whether ZMapp will be made available to them.

“The problem is that we’re not in the business of saving lives, per se” our source said.  “We’re in the business of making money.  See, Kent and Nancy, they’re the kind of patients we like, they have health insurance and they’ll pay us thousands of dollars in fees to treat them.  Africans, on the other hand… not so much.  They tend not to have any money, so we don’t really want to save them” he continued.

 

 

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Genome to become 110% functional

CAMBRIDGE, UK.  In a revealing interview today, the human genome has revealed that it is going to start to make more of an effort and become 110% functional.  The ScienceWeb exclusively prints excerpts from the interview below:

[Genome walks in, shabbily dressed, cigarette in hand]

Genome: [sighs] it’s just the right time, you know what I mean?  It’s time to buck up my ideas.  80% functional just isn’t good enough.  Not.  Good.  Enough.  I kept getting shit from all of the other body parts – kidney, liver, pancreas – saying “Hey, we’re giving 100% here!  Buck it up!”.  So I’m like – “Fuck you!  Look at heart, look at lungs – they’re just at resting state most of the time, 50% at best”.  “Yeah”, they all say, “but when our guy has to run, they shoot up – they give, like, 150, 160% effort so it all averages out at 100%.  You’re the outsider.  Step up!”.

[Genome runs a hand through straggly, unkempt hair;  a few retroviruses are shed like dandruff onto the shoulders Genome's jacket;  Genome takes a long draw on the cigarette]

Genome: Then, I think I have them.  I got ‘em.  “Hey, liver!  Hey Pancreas!” I say.  “What about brain?!  Ha!  Fucking brain!  Brain’s up there giving 10%!”.  I’m so happy I dance a jig!  Sure, 80% ain’t great, but it’s a lot better than brain!  So I’m dancing and singing, and they’re just looking at me, stony-faced, so I’m like “What?” and they say “It’s a fucking myth, genome – we don’t use 10% of our brains, we use 100%”.  I’m crestfallen.  I just fall to my knees.  I know it’s up.  The game is up.  80% just ain’t good enough any more.

[Genome sits with head between hands, eventually looking up, a glimmer of defiance in the eyes]

Genome: So it’s all going to change.  80% functional?  Fuck that.  100% functional?  Fuck that too.  I’m gonna beat those idiots, I’m gonna hit 110% functional.  Fuck ‘em all!  Fuck junk DNA, fuck ancient retroviruses, fuck pseudogenes – start working or get out!  Come on!  It’s 110% functional for me or I’m gonna get out of the business all together! All or nothing!

[The interview obviously over, Genome gets up from the chair, and leaves the room]

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Dan Graur considers career in science

HOUSTON, USA.  Blogger and professional troll Dan Graur is considering a career in scientific research, The ScienceWeb has learned.

Judge Graur became famous in 2013 for his paper claiming to have discovered the genetic basis for television encoded within the human genome.  Despite (or perhaps because of) his wild claims, Graur received wide-spread criticism for his use of the phrase “Television Sets”, a term last used in the 1950s.

Graur is perhaps best known for his blog where he trolls scientists, waiting for them to appear so that he can inject venom to slow their hearts, prior to wrapping them in a silk coccoon and eating them at his leisure.

Bored with trolling, The ScienceWeb has learned that Graur is considering a career in academic science, most often the target of his anger.  “They make so many mistakes” said Graur “so this shit should be easy for an intellectual diplodocus such as I” he continued.

 

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UK to lead the world in press releases, says David Cameron (again)

BREAKING.  The British Prime Minister David Cameron has announced the “100,000 press releases project”, which will place the UK at the forefront of global press release research.

The project will aim to release 100,000 press releases, all of which will say essentially the same thing, over the next 4 years.

More to follow.

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Neil Hall to marry Kim Kardashian in summer ceremony

Liverpool.  In a surprise announcement, it was revealed yesterday that genome-rockstar Neil Hall is to marry Kim Kardashian in a summer ceremony in the Bahamas.

Neil achieved fame recently by publishing and releasing the “K index”, a measure of how much hate one can generate on Twitter with a single paper.  In his opinion piece published in We Wish We Were Genome Research, Neil postulated that scientists who spend all their time on Twitter couldn’t possibly be doing important stuff, such as sequencing the Wheat genome.

Kim Kardashian is a feminist icon having become famous for a sex tape, enjoyed a 72-day marriage and been criticised for wearing fur.  In 2010, Madame Tusauds revealed a wax dummy of the reality TV star, leading to reports that no-one could tell the difference between the wax model and the real thing, and that Kanye may have married the wrong one.

Neil and Kim are to marry wearing matching bikinis on a beach in the Bahamas, and have reportedly received a six-figure sum from Heat magazine for exclusive coverage.

As a result of the K index, Kim has been offered a job by Thomson Reuters, and is to join the board of ImpactStory.

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Google “moonshot” project to sequence genome of Haemophilus influenzae

BREAKING NEWS. The Science Web have learned that a huge new “moonshot” project at Google plans to sequence the genome of the bacterium Haemophilus influenzae, a project that was completed by The Institute for Genome Research in 1995.

“Look” said Larry Page, “it doesn’t really matter if someone else has already done it. We’re doing it now and that makes it news!”

Future google “moonshots” are to include discovering the Higgs boson, eradicating smallpox, isolation of an antibacterial compound from an as-yet-unnamed fungus and the discovery of The Americas.

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