Genome to become 110% functional

CAMBRIDGE, UK.  In a revealing interview today, the human genome has revealed that it is going to start to make more of an effort and become 110% functional.  The ScienceWeb exclusively prints excerpts from the interview below:

[Genome walks in, shabbily dressed, cigarette in hand]

Genome: [sighs] it’s just the right time, you know what I mean?  It’s time to buck up my ideas.  80% functional just isn’t good enough.  Not.  Good.  Enough.  I kept getting shit from all of the other body parts – kidney, liver, pancreas – saying “Hey, we’re giving 100% here!  Buck it up!”.  So I’m like – “Fuck you!  Look at heart, look at lungs – they’re just at resting state most of the time, 50% at best”.  “Yeah”, they all say, “but when our guy has to run, they shoot up – they give, like, 150, 160% effort so it all averages out at 100%.  You’re the outsider.  Step up!”.

[Genome runs a hand through straggly, unkempt hair;  a few retroviruses are shed like dandruff onto the shoulders Genome's jacket;  Genome takes a long draw on the cigarette]

Genome: Then, I think I have them.  I got ‘em.  “Hey, liver!  Hey Pancreas!” I say.  “What about brain?!  Ha!  Fucking brain!  Brain’s up there giving 10%!”.  I’m so happy I dance a jig!  Sure, 80% ain’t great, but it’s a lot better than brain!  So I’m dancing and singing, and they’re just looking at me, stony-faced, so I’m like “What?” and they say “It’s a fucking myth, genome – we don’t use 10% of our brains, we use 100%”.  I’m crestfallen.  I just fall to my knees.  I know it’s up.  The game is up.  80% just ain’t good enough any more.

[Genome sits with head between hands, eventually looking up, a glimmer of defiance in the eyes]

Genome: So it’s all going to change.  80% functional?  Fuck that.  100% functional?  Fuck that too.  I’m gonna beat those idiots, I’m gonna hit 110% functional.  Fuck ‘em all!  Fuck junk DNA, fuck ancient retroviruses, fuck pseudogenes – start working or get out!  Come on!  It’s 110% functional for me or I’m gonna get out of the business all together! All or nothing!

[The interview obviously over, Genome gets up from the chair, and leaves the room]

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Dan Graur considers career in science

HOUSTON, USA.  Blogger and professional troll Dan Graur is considering a career in scientific research, The ScienceWeb has learned.

Judge Graur became famous in 2013 for his paper claiming to have discovered the genetic basis for television encoded within the human genome.  Despite (or perhaps because of) his wild claims, Graur received wide-spread criticism for his use of the phrase “Television Sets”, a term last used in the 1950s.

Graur is perhaps best known for his blog where he trolls scientists, waiting for them to appear so that he can inject venom to slow their hearts, prior to wrapping them in a silk coccoon and eating them at his leisure.

Bored with trolling, The ScienceWeb has learned that Graur is considering a career in academic science, most often the target of his anger.  “They make so many mistakes” said Graur “so this shit should be easy for an intellectual diplodocus such as I” he continued.


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UK to lead the world in press releases, says David Cameron (again)

BREAKING.  The British Prime Minister David Cameron has announced the “100,000 press releases project”, which will place the UK at the forefront of global press release research.

The project will aim to release 100,000 press releases, all of which will say essentially the same thing, over the next 4 years.

More to follow.

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Neil Hall to marry Kim Kardashian in summer ceremony

Liverpool.  In a surprise announcement, it was revealed yesterday that genome-rockstar Neil Hall is to marry Kim Kardashian in a summer ceremony in the Bahamas.

Neil achieved fame recently by publishing and releasing the “K index”, a measure of how much hate one can generate on Twitter with a single paper.  In his opinion piece published in We Wish We Were Genome Research, Neil postulated that scientists who spend all their time on Twitter couldn’t possibly be doing important stuff, such as sequencing the Wheat genome.

Kim Kardashian is a feminist icon having become famous for a sex tape, enjoyed a 72-day marriage and been criticised for wearing fur.  In 2010, Madame Tusauds revealed a wax dummy of the reality TV star, leading to reports that no-one could tell the difference between the wax model and the real thing, and that Kanye may have married the wrong one.

Neil and Kim are to marry wearing matching bikinis on a beach in the Bahamas, and have reportedly received a six-figure sum from Heat magazine for exclusive coverage.

As a result of the K index, Kim has been offered a job by Thomson Reuters, and is to join the board of ImpactStory.

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Google “moonshot” project to sequence genome of Haemophilus influenzae

BREAKING NEWS. The Science Web have learned that a huge new “moonshot” project at Google plans to sequence the genome of the bacterium Haemophilus influenzae, a project that was completed by The Institute for Genome Research in 1995.

“Look” said Larry Page, “it doesn’t really matter if someone else has already done it. We’re doing it now and that makes it news!”

Future google “moonshots” are to include discovering the Higgs boson, eradicating smallpox, isolation of an antibacterial compound from an as-yet-unnamed fungus and the discovery of The Americas.

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Genetic basis of disease directly related to size of investment, say Broad

Cambridge.  The genetic basis of a disease has been found to be directly correlated with how much you are willing to invest in research into that disease, researchers at The Broad Institute have found.

With DNA sequencing now being cheaper than a bag of chips, there is a renewed pressure to sequence things to balance the books.

“The fact is, most interesting things have been sequenced” our source said “and there’s no money to sequence the stuff that’s left.  So we have to find more and more ridiculous reasons to sequence humans” they continued.

Professor Lord Admiral Vaig Venter started the trend, hypothesizing that simply by sequencing 1000s of old people we will somehow be able to lengthen their lives.

“It doesn’t matter what the disease is, what matters is the size of your investment.  You got 300 million and your kid died of gout in the 1930s?  Let’s sequence people with gout.  You got 700 million and an unfortunate family resemblance to Homer Simpson?  It’s in the DNA, let’s sequence it.  What you people don’t realise is, it doesn’t matter what we’re talking about, everything has a genetic basis – as long as you sequence it” our source finished.

The Science Web has heard rumours that “everything has a genetic basis – as long as you sequence it” will become the new slogan at The Broad Institute.

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Old rich people to fund diseases that only affect them

MADRID.  A group of the most powerful (old) scientists who run the world’s research funding bodies have today said that they intend to only fund research into diseases that directly affect them.  Their aim is simply to extend their lives and ensure they remain rich and powerful, a source added.

Despite record numbers of people in Africa now suffering from HIV infection, a deadly outbreak of ebola and childhood cancers still robbing thousands of children of the right to life, old rich people have decided that lengthening their privileged lives and ensuring they don’t lose their marbles are higher priorities.

Professor Oldfart Lockheed III, who invests several hundred millions dollars worth of research funding evey year, said “I didn’t do all of this hard work, get to the very top, reach such a powerful position, only to stop and die!  I intend to stay here as long as I can.  I’m a very important person, and it’s worth spending hundreds of millions of dollars to extend my already long and over-privileged life!”

When asked about the plight of poor Africans, Professor Oldfart replied “What?  Is that where Mexicans come from?”

In related news, a group of high profile, bitter and jealous scientists wrote an open letter criticising the EU’s Human Brain project, a multi-million EU project designed to ask the question “If we’re so intelligent, why do we keep doing stupid things?”.  The Science Web has learned that hidden within the open letter is a secret code that states “please, please, please let us in!”

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