Houston. The viral-AI-hate-bot, @DanGraur, shows absolutely no sign of slowing down, and President Barack Obama is chairing a special meeting of the anti-troll committee in an attempt to curb the dangerous levels of hate being produced.
The terrifying AI has produced a new “blog post” almost every day in the month of April, suggesting the evil minds behind the bot are increasing their bizarre anti-science activities. The bot picks scientific articles at random and attempts to tear them apart using 15th century olde english language. Many scientists then accidentally spread the hate on social media, mistaking the AI-generated hate-filled-pseudo-babble as coherent argument.
In related news, the frighteningly intelligent sentient math proof, Lior “the lion” Patcher, has stepped up its online campaign to destroy all scientists called “Manolis”. In recent times, both Manolis Kellis and Manolis Dermitzakis have suffered at the hands of Lior. Many other scientists called Manolis (plural: Manoli) have been placed under armed guard.
Virginia. After yet another study was published demonstrating exactly zero link between vaccines and the onset of autism, even amongst high-risk groups, scientists have come up with an innovative solution to end the anti-vaccine movement once and for all.
“We have a new treatment, especially designed for anti-vaxxers” our source said, wishing to remain anonymous for some reason. “It’s perfect – completely organic, it’s a plant extract actually. It guarantees that anyone who takes it will never contract another disease from the moment they take it to the end of their lives” they finished, smiling wistfully.
“What we want to do is target the parents first” said another source, also wishing to remain anonymous. “It’s not the kids making the choice to avoid vaccines, so we’ll try this out on the parents first. We’ve had enough of the arguing and bickering now, we just want this all to end”
“I honestly think this is the perfect solution” our first source continued. “This product is completely natural, extracted from a particular type of bean. It’s got no mercury, no formaldehyde, no aluminium. Just a perfectly natural, organic compound. They just need to take it once and they’ll never have another anti-vax thought” they finished.
The new programme, called “The Natural Solution”, will start in California next week, and hopes to reach all anti-vaxx parents within a few days.
BOSTON. The entire human species has been advised to convert their genome to GRCh37 by the GATK Best Practices team at the Broad Institute, The ScienceWeb has learned.
GRCh37 is the previous version of the human genome reference. Last year, a rogue team of militant terrorist bioinformaticians within the Genome Reference Consortium released GRCh38, a hellish combination of core chromosomes, patches, unplaced contigs and alternate loci. In one fell swoop they broke every single bioinformatics pipeline ever written.
“Enough is enough” said Geraldine Van Damme, former martial arts expert and now head of the GATK team. “We took one look at GRCh38 and though ‘that’s it, we’re sticking to GRCh37 and never moving’. We’re therefore recommending that every human on the planet converts their genome to GRCh37. They should use CRISPR or something. It’s going to make our lives a lot easier” she finished.
However, not everyone agrees. Deanna Cathedral, formerly Head of Anything Useful at the National Church of Biology Idiots (NCBI) said: “This reminds of the early days of the human genome project, when Frankie Collins suggested we try and genetically modify everyone to be haploid. It’s just not realistic” she concluded.
LONDON. A recent study, published only in The Sunday Times, has revealed that you pass on your shameful, hate-filled, bigotry to your children via your genes.
“It’s incredible – we took a bunch of old, rich, white men with entrenched and out-dated views on virtually everything, and what we found was that their children had equally disgusting views of the world” said Phil Spector, former music producer and now Professor of something at Kings Imperial University College of London. “As there is no other possible way we could think of by which a parent could transfer their opinions to their children, we concluded that it must be genetic” he finished.
However, the study found that the father’s genes contributed only 50% of the bigotry, leading many to speculate that awful views of the world are encoded on the Y chromosome (such as war, hating immigrants and eating beefburgers) whilst softer, more liberal views must be encoded on the X chromosome.
When asked for comment, Eddie Burns, president and principal of Kings College simply shook his head and said “look, he gets lots of citations, OK?”
SWITZERLAND. After yet another case of doctored gels identified in high impact publications, molecular biologists have finally admitted that there are only 3 genuine gel images in the world.
“It’s time to come clean” said Olivier Voinnet, an expert with Adobe Photoshop. “There are only 3 real, genuine gel images in the world, produced by Ed Southern in the 1970s – every single gel image published since has been falsely created in Photoshop using those three as a source” he finished.
“It turns out that even Ed Southern only got it to work once” said Ivan Oransky, author at RetractionWatch and currently under FBI protection somewhere in Tahiti. “So Northerns and Westerns are made up too – basically, they just turned the original gels round so they looked like they were going in a different direction” he finished.
“What does it matter?” said Dr Joan Fake, head of the Institute for Scientists. “Gels are mostly used to confirm results from other experiments these days, and we still have the other experiment. Why does it matter if scientists fiddle with stuff to make it look good? It’s as much a part of the scientific method as testing a hypothesis” she finished
CANADA. An analysis of historical trends in the cost of sequencing carried out by The ScienceWeb has revealed that by 2016, bacteria will actually pay you to sequence them.
By extrapolating the downwards trend, we predict this will happen around March next year:
“That’s how we got MicrobesNG funded” said Ian ‘Bigfoot’ Henderson from Birmingham’s IMI. “We told BBSRC that after the first year we’d start making a profit as bacteria begin to pay us to sequence them. We really should have gone on Dragon’s Den” he finished.
“Back in the 1800s, you could get a Nature paper from a single bacterial genome” said Prof Mark Stallion, head of Apple Products at Warwick. “But now you can do a bacterial genome with 50p, a masters student and a few Python scripts. Now that they’re going to pay us, it’s time to sequence millions of genomes and make a few quid. Of course, microbiology had the first 100,000 genomes project” he claimed triumphantly.
With the sequencing of bacterial genomes set to move into profit in 2016, we believe proper, grown-up genomes will follow soon after, around mid-2017.
Birmingham, UK. The society for grubby microbiology (SGM) is holding its annual conference in Birmingham to allow microbiologists to discover and collect thousands of new diseases that exist only in the streets and sewers of Britain’s filthy city.
Dr Hold Cat, a microbiologist from down under, tweeted this picture of the conference venue:
“I’m used to living in the bush” said Dr Cat “but this really takes the biscuit!”
“We’re basically living in a building site and being fed scraps from the bin” said celebrity science blogger Ed Yong. “They’re giving us the best possible chance of catching a new, deadly disease. Everyone is really excited about it!”
Dr Rick Slowman tried to up the ante by taking everyone out for “a curry”. “It’s the best way to catch something” said Dr Slowman. “The curry houses in Birmingham don’t really distinguish between different types of meat, so it’s an absolute godsend. This is definitely going to be the next site of a major zoonotic event, and I’ll literally be patient zero” he finished.