Warwick, UK. UK Science Minister David Willets announced yesterday a $13.9 million grant awarded to a consortium led by the University of Warwick. The team are to spend almost the entire amount on Apple products, so they can look cool at conferences.
Leader of the consortium, Professor Mark Stallion, had this to say: “This is great news! I’ve needed a new laptop, iPad and iPhone for ages now. Also, by the time the money arrives, the iWatch will be out!”.
When asked about the science, he continued: “Oh that! That’s easy! $50k on a new server, $100k on storage and a couple of post-docs. It’s only microbes, you see – easy stuff.”
When asked about alternative technologies, Prof Stallion replied: “The only viable alternative is Android, and to be honest, that’s for poor people and geeks – and we’re neither. It is absolutely vital that we keep up our appearances at conferences, and Apple is clearly the best technology for that”
Professor Stallion was the subject of a controversial last minute transfer duing the January transfer window last year. Moving from Birmingham to Warwick, he realised only too late that it’s basically the same place. With no time to recruit a replacement, Birmingham promoted rookie Dr Rick Slowman to the first team. Dr Slowman was recently voted sexiest scientist in Britain by the bioinformatics community.