Work on model organisms “completely pointless”, researchers admit

LONDON, UK.  Researchers have finally admitted that their work on model organisms is “completely pointless” and “bears no relation to anything useful whatsoever”.

For centuries, scientists have worked on easy-to-manipulate model organisms, such as Arabidopsis, Drosophila, Yeast and E. coli.  The results of research on model organisms are often extrapolated in a wider context and applied to other species; however, scientists have finally admitted that this is an utterly silly idea.

In the pharmaceutical industry, mice and rats are often used instead of human subjects, and there is a growing body of evidence that this is utterly ridiculous.

“Basically, mice and rats are the most healthy animals on the planet” said our source from GSK, one of the largest pharmaceutical companies on the planet. “We’ve cured every single disease in those little b*stards.  The number of diseases we’ve cured in rodents far exceeds the number we’ve cured in humans – surely we should have experimented on humans in the first place!”

Dr Ingrid Bergman, Swedish screen goddess and genome scientist based at the University of Manchester, agreed: “We’ve been working on Drosophila for years, and we’ve come to realise that our results are only applicable to the incredibly lab-adapted strains of fly that we have in our lab.  We have subconsciously selected flies that give cool results; obtaining ‘cool results’ is now the only selection pressure on Drosophila.  It’s pointless using them”.

Despite Dr Bergman’s assertions, many scientists still think it would be cool to develop humans that have legs growing out of their foreheads.

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