EU to save on admin costs by funding exactly the same people it did last time

BRUSSELS.  In a breathtaking move announced on Monday, the EU has decided to save money on grants administration by using its Horizon 2020 programme “to fund exactly the same people we funded last time”.

The European Union, or EU, is an €800 billion programme of therapy for 28 countries who despise one another, and aims to invest several billion Euros in scientific research over the next 4 years through its Horizon 2020 programme.

The apparent aims of EU funding are to provide money to researchers to collaborate with people they already collaborate with, to do work they are already doing.  A recent study has shown that almost 100% of EU funding is paid to administrative teams set up to run the projects themselves, a phenomenon known as admin loop – where the cost of administering a project is at least equal to, and often greater than, the amount of funding provided, resulting in no actual research being done.

In order to drive down costs, Horizon 2020 will simply be used to fund exactly the same consortia as the last round of funding, FP7.  “Look, we all knew this was going to happen anyway”, said Jean-Pierre Francais, who is overseeing the Horizon 2020 project “The existing FP7 consortia wrote the Horizon 2020 call document anyway, so we might as well just hand the cash over to them directly and save millions!” he continued

In a related story, it’s been found that literally no-one in the World now has a clue what ELIXIR actually is, not even the project leaders.  ELIXIR’s stated aims were to build a “sustainable bioinformatics infrastructure for Europe”; however, the only tangible outcomes appear to be an empty building at Hinxton, and a website populated by “management speak“.

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