Assenomics to release NGS-based test for bad behaviour

SAN DIEGO. Assenomics has launched a non-invasive next-generation-sequencing-based test to detect whether a person is an asshole or not. The test looks for mutations in genes known to be involved in testosterone production, attractiveness, height (shortness) and penis size. The test is initially limited to men, who are almost 5000-times more likely to be assholes than women.

The company’s first entry into the clinical market is likely to be popular amongst, well, pretty much everyone – employers, people on dating websites, bar and club owners, taxi drivers etc.

“Everyone wants to avoid assholes” said Tony Pony, CEO of Assenomics. “Picture the scene – you’re on a blind date, the guy is on his best behaviour trying to impress, but how do you know what he’s really like? Well, just pull out some hair and run it on our Assenomitor(TM) kit – it’ll tell you straight away if he’s an asshole and give you an avoidance score between 1 and 100 – where 1 means he’s lovely, and 100 means he’s a Republican”.

The test runs on Illumina’s MiSeq platform, and in order to avoid contamination, it’s recommended that the sequencing machines are kept in a room where no academic PIs are allowed.

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