Old rich people to fund diseases that only affect them

MADRID.  A group of the most powerful (old) scientists who run the world’s research funding bodies have today said that they intend to only fund research into diseases that directly affect them.  Their aim is simply to extend their lives and ensure they remain rich and powerful, a source added.

Despite record numbers of people in Africa now suffering from HIV infection, a deadly outbreak of ebola and childhood cancers still robbing thousands of children of the right to life, old rich people have decided that lengthening their privileged lives and ensuring they don’t lose their marbles are higher priorities.

Professor Oldfart Lockheed III, who invests several hundred millions dollars worth of research funding evey year, said “I didn’t do all of this hard work, get to the very top, reach such a powerful position, only to stop and die!  I intend to stay here as long as I can.  I’m a very important person, and it’s worth spending hundreds of millions of dollars to extend my already long and over-privileged life!”

When asked about the plight of poor Africans, Professor Oldfart replied “What?  Is that where Mexicans come from?”

In related news, a group of high profile, bitter and jealous scientists wrote an open letter criticising the EU’s Human Brain project, a multi-million EU project designed to ask the question “If we’re so intelligent, why do we keep doing stupid things?”.  The Science Web has learned that hidden within the open letter is a secret code that states “please, please, please let us in!”

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