Genome to become 110% functional

CAMBRIDGE, UK.  In a revealing interview today, the human genome has revealed that it is going to start to make more of an effort and become 110% functional.  The ScienceWeb exclusively prints excerpts from the interview below:

[Genome walks in, shabbily dressed, cigarette in hand]

Genome: [sighs] it’s just the right time, you know what I mean?  It’s time to buck up my ideas.  80% functional just isn’t good enough.  Not.  Good.  Enough.  I kept getting shit from all of the other body parts – kidney, liver, pancreas – saying “Hey, we’re giving 100% here!  Buck it up!”.  So I’m like – “Fuck you!  Look at heart, look at lungs – they’re just at resting state most of the time, 50% at best”.  “Yeah”, they all say, “but when our guy has to run, they shoot up – they give, like, 150, 160% effort so it all averages out at 100%.  You’re the outsider.  Step up!”.

[Genome runs a hand through straggly, unkempt hair;  a few retroviruses are shed like dandruff onto the shoulders Genome’s jacket;  Genome takes a long draw on the cigarette]

Genome: Then, I think I have them.  I got ’em.  “Hey, liver!  Hey Pancreas!” I say.  “What about brain?!  Ha!  Fucking brain!  Brain’s up there giving 10%!”.  I’m so happy I dance a jig!  Sure, 80% ain’t great, but it’s a lot better than brain!  So I’m dancing and singing, and they’re just looking at me, stony-faced, so I’m like “What?” and they say “It’s a fucking myth, genome – we don’t use 10% of our brains, we use 100%”.  I’m crestfallen.  I just fall to my knees.  I know it’s up.  The game is up.  80% just ain’t good enough any more.

[Genome sits with head between hands, eventually looking up, a glimmer of defiance in the eyes]

Genome: So it’s all going to change.  80% functional?  Fuck that.  100% functional?  Fuck that too.  I’m gonna beat those idiots, I’m gonna hit 110% functional.  Fuck ’em all!  Fuck junk DNA, fuck ancient retroviruses, fuck pseudogenes – start working or get out!  Come on!  It’s 110% functional for me or I’m gonna get out of the business all together! All or nothing!

[The interview obviously over, Genome gets up from the chair, and leaves the room]

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