CAMBRIDGE, UK. In a revealing interview today, the human genome has revealed that it is going to start to make more of an effort and become 110% functional. The ScienceWeb exclusively prints excerpts from the interview below:
[Genome walks in, shabbily dressed, cigarette in hand]
Genome: [sighs] it’s just the right time, you know what I mean? It’s time to buck up my ideas. 80% functional just isn’t good enough. Not. Good. Enough. I kept getting shit from all of the other body parts – kidney, liver, pancreas – saying “Hey, we’re giving 100% here! Buck it up!”. So I’m like – “Fuck you! Look at heart, look at lungs – they’re just at resting state most of the time, 50% at best”. “Yeah”, they all say, “but when our guy has to run, they shoot up – they give, like, 150, 160% effort so it all averages out at 100%. You’re the outsider. Step up!”.
[Genome runs a hand through straggly, unkempt hair; a few retroviruses are shed like dandruff onto the shoulders Genome’s jacket; Genome takes a long draw on the cigarette]
Genome: Then, I think I have them. I got ’em. “Hey, liver! Hey Pancreas!” I say. “What about brain?! Ha! Fucking brain! Brain’s up there giving 10%!”. I’m so happy I dance a jig! Sure, 80% ain’t great, but it’s a lot better than brain! So I’m dancing and singing, and they’re just looking at me, stony-faced, so I’m like “What?” and they say “It’s a fucking myth, genome – we don’t use 10% of our brains, we use 100%”. I’m crestfallen. I just fall to my knees. I know it’s up. The game is up. 80% just ain’t good enough any more.
[Genome sits with head between hands, eventually looking up, a glimmer of defiance in the eyes]
Genome: So it’s all going to change. 80% functional? Fuck that. 100% functional? Fuck that too. I’m gonna beat those idiots, I’m gonna hit 110% functional. Fuck ’em all! Fuck junk DNA, fuck ancient retroviruses, fuck pseudogenes – start working or get out! Come on! It’s 110% functional for me or I’m gonna get out of the business all together! All or nothing!
[The interview obviously over, Genome gets up from the chair, and leaves the room]