NIH announces all funding decisions to be made by someone who hates you

Bethesda, USA.  In a shock turn of events, the NIH announced today that every single funding decision from this day forwards will be made by a person who hates you.

NIH funding has suffered recently, with grant success rates plummeting as more and more desperate scientists apply for less and less funds.

“This is the perfect solution!” announced Colin Francis, inventor of the first Ebola vaccine and Director of NIH.  “We basically have no federal funding.  Nada.  Zilch.  They gave us a few billion dollars but I spent it all on the phantom Ebola vaccine I might have created in the 80s” he continued.

“This is a stroke of genius” said May Beliar, NIH head of communications.  “As we have no money left, we can’t award any grants.  But instead of just saying that, we will continue as usual, but have everyone nominate someone who hates them to review their grants.  It’s insanely brilliant.  Nothing will get funded ever again – but noone can accuse us of having no budget!”

In an unrelated announcement, Colin Francis announcced an unprecedented $1 trillion investment in basic research, and asked everyone to provide a list of the 10 people who hate them the most.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Not news. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s