Bethesda, USA. In a shock turn of events, the NIH announced today that every single funding decision from this day forwards will be made by a person who hates you.
NIH funding has suffered recently, with grant success rates plummeting as more and more desperate scientists apply for less and less funds.
“This is the perfect solution!” announced Colin Francis, inventor of the first Ebola vaccine and Director of NIH. “We basically have no federal funding. Nada. Zilch. They gave us a few billion dollars but I spent it all on the phantom Ebola vaccine I might have created in the 80s” he continued.
“This is a stroke of genius” said May Beliar, NIH head of communications. “As we have no money left, we can’t award any grants. But instead of just saying that, we will continue as usual, but have everyone nominate someone who hates them to review their grants. It’s insanely brilliant. Nothing will get funded ever again – but noone can accuse us of having no budget!”
In an unrelated announcement, Colin Francis announcced an unprecedented $1 trillion investment in basic research, and asked everyone to provide a list of the 10 people who hate them the most.