NEBRASKA. For the first time, stupidity has been found in the brains of senior academics, slowing down their brain activity and making them publish absolute bollocks in high-impact journals.
“This is really big news” said James Van Halen, senior author on the study. “No-one has ever found stupidity in the brains of academics before, it’s normally only found at the bottom of the social ladder. We’re trying to figure out how it got there, because it’s really out of place” he continued.
Once stupidity had been found in the brains of academics, the hunt was on to find the effects of such an infection. “We did some tests on a very small number of individuals, and once we’d thrown away the outliers that didn’t agree with our preconceived vision of what we’d find, there was a statistically significant effect” Van Halen said. “What we found was that stupid academics were far more likely to publish absolute bollocks”.
To test for causality, stupidity was injected into mice by making them watch Jersey Shore continuously for 96 hours. “The stupid mice, the ones who watched the show, couldn’t get out of a maze; they actually just stood next to a wall and repeatedly banged their head against it”. Causality proven, the team began to get really worried about the health impacts of stupidity.
However, before we all become alarmed at this awful, emerging threat, Van Halen offers some hope. “Luckily, we’ve found natural antibodies to stupidity right here in the academic community. We found that a significant number of open scientists, those who submit to open access journals, those who publish pre-prints and those who engage in open review, you know, the PLOS hipster crowd; those guys all seem to have natural antibodies against stupidity” Van halen said excitedly. “So, for those of us infected, there is hope!”