CALIFORNIA. Shady underworld science organisation ENCODE has put out a contract on Yoav Gilad with a price of $100,000 D.O.A. (dead or alive). The ScienceWeb understands that several of the world’s greatest hitmen are now making their way to Chicago, and Gilad has been placed under FBI protection at an unknown location.
Speaking from a cave hidden in his volcanic island hideaway, Mike Snyder, whilst stroking a white cat, had this to say: “Yoav is dead man. Period. You do not cross ENCODE like that. No man can do that and live. He disrespected me and my organisation and for that he will pay with his life. Mwahahahahaha!”
Last year, Snyder and his cronies published a paper in PNAS (Proceedings of Not-very Acceptable Science) claiming that mice were mice, men were men, and everything within a mouse is so mousey that it’s more mouse than anything else. Gilad proceeded to dismantle the science completely, eventually showing that the PNAS authors hadn’t really generated any data at all and had basically made it all up in Excel.
Gilad, wearing a red cape and blue spandex suit, said: “The ENCODE results were clearly nonsense. I don’t care that I’ll never work again, will need face-changing surgery and will spend the rest of my life as ‘Susan’ working in a bar in Manchester. I couldn’t let them get away with it. The results were wrong, just plain wrong”.
The ScienceWeb have made the location of Snyder’s secret island available to the FBI.