Scientists decide just to discover things they already know

Scientists throughout the world have decided that they just want to discover things they already know using bigger and bigger datasets, The ScienceWeb have learned.  Instead of making new discoveries, researchers will simply apply for ever larger grants, recapitulate results known for decades, and make a killing for their institution on the overheads.

Jeff Ewing, from the NHGRI and brother of J.R. and Bobby from Dallas, had this to say: “Trying to discover new things is risky, you know, because it’s stuff we don’t know.  If we don’t know it, how are we going to discover it?  The only way you can be sure you will discover something is if you already know it.  So that’s the direction we’re taking research – we just want to find out stuff we already know, using big data – it’s safer”

The GeeeTexas! project recently published a paper in the comic Science, where they re-discovered the fact that different tissues in the human body express genes at different levels, something which we have known for several decades.  However, key to the success of the project was the huge expense, a metric now used to judge grants.

“Key to the new big biology paradigm” said Colin Francis, director of the NIH “is that we don’t want new knowledge, because we have enough of that already.  What we want is big data, and we want that big data to tell us stuff we already know.  We have a budget to spend, and this isn’t about science anymore, it’s about the overheads.  So get writing – get writing those super-massive fund-sucking grants that pay your University’s overheads yet tell us nothing about biology – it’s the future!” he finished.


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