Scottish government to ban evidence

Edinburgh.  Following criticism of the Scottish government’s decision to ban GM crops, it has emerged today that they also plan to ban all forms of scientific evidence, including all rational and logical thought.

Speaking for the government, Richard “Dick” Thickhead said: “We don’t want to place the Scottish food system ‘at risk’, therefore we are going to base all of our decisions on unfounded opinion, anecdotal evidence and second-hand stories we heard down the pub.  We pay particular attention to any stories about how the old days were much better.  Only by completely eliminating all forms of rigid scientific endeavour can we ensure that the public gets what they want”.

In favour of the ban on evidence was Danny McMurphy who recovered remarkably quickly from ‘flu’ in 1982: “I’m in favour of this ban on science!  Listen, I had the flu way back in 1982.  After a few days, I went to the Doctor, and he told me to take paracetamol and rest in bed, which I did.  But on the way out of the surgery, I saw this wee dog who seemed to wink at me as I walked by.  The next day I was right as rain, and I just know it was that dog that did it.  So screw you science!”

Rather predictably, every single scientist in the World is against the ban.  Speaking for all scientists, Ann Glover explained: “Look, you can’t base decisions on anecdotal evidence.  People will tell you they saw Elvis in their local chippy – that doesn’t mean he’s alive!  Similarly, someone with cancer who happens to get licked by a swarm of angry squirrels might recover from the disease and live a healthy life – that doesn’t mean we should apply squirrel-lick therapy to all cancer sufferers.  That’s why we have the scientific method, based on evidence, rationality and logic”.

Other things the Scottish government plans to ban include the colour blue, double-glazing, impersonating Lionel Ritchie and plays with the letter “A” in the title.

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