Craig Venter uses millions of genomes to predict sunrise

CALIFORNIA. Jean Craig Van Venter has used a massive computer and millions of genomes to predict that tomorrow, between 5 and 6am, the sun will rise and morning will happen.

This amazing result has been published in the BSD Journal of PNAS. This is the first example of anyone using genomes to predict the morning, which of course we all know happens every, morning. At the end of night.

But genomes, right?

The amazing research software environment (ARSE; the name of the algorithm) also predicts that snow is cold, grass is green, and (with 99% accuracy) your absolute disdain for Venter’s paper.

In fact the only thing ARSE didn’t predict was that this story would be so ridiculous it would force me out of retirement. Sigh.

In response to questions Venter said “Stuff you, I want a Nobel prize for this”