Author Archives: jovialscientist

University announces plans to improve student experience whilst simultaneously cutting staff benefits, unaware they might be related

London, UK. Remarkably, a UK university with student approval ratings lower than the Mariana trench has announced plans to “improve the student experience” whilst simultaneously planning to reduce staff pensions and increase staff workload. “We’ve sent out survey after survey … Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

That big expensive project was definitely not a complete failure

The World.  That massive science project, the one that cost millions of dollars, employed hundreds of people and achieved almost nothing of any worth, was definitely not a failure, The ScienceWeb have learned. The Data Underlying Molecular Biology (DUMB) project was … Continue reading

Posted in Not news | Leave a comment

Craig Venter uses millions of genomes to predict sunrise

CALIFORNIA. Jean Craig Van Venter has used a massive computer and millions of genomes to predict that tomorrow, between 5 and 6am, the sun will rise and morning will happen. This amazing result has been published in the BSD Journal … Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Genomics England decide to just impute from 1000 genomes data

London, UK.  Due to the sheer lunacy of trying to sequence 100,000 people with only a few people and five laptops, Genomics England have decided to instead just impute from 1000 genomes data. Jo Caulfield, comedienne and head of the project, … Continue reading

Posted in Not news | Leave a comment

Owners of Illumina MiniSeq delighted at shitter, more expensive data

San Diego.  Early adopters of the Illumina MiniSeq platform have reported that they are “absolutely delighted” that they are now capable of producing much shitter data than their University genomics facility, and at a far higher price. Professor Stupid, one … Continue reading

Posted in Not news | 1 Comment

New workshops in “Software Dickery” announced

Michigan, USA.  The software carpentry foundation, who run the hugely popular “Software Carpentry” and “Data Carpentry” workshops, have announced a new range of workshops called “Software Dickery”. Announcing the new range, Will Gregson had this to say: “What we noticed … Continue reading

Posted in Not news | Leave a comment

Preprints definitely shit, say publishers

LONDON, UK.  Preprints, papers uploaded to the internet before they are peer reviewed, are definitely shit, according to a group of publishing companies who have a vested interest in seeing them fail. “The problem with preprints, is, well they’re just … Continue reading

Posted in Not news | Leave a comment

The Hero of Science

A guest post by Derek Blander, the most amazing scientist of all time…. In 1957, the world was bequeathed a gift – one of the greatest scientists to ever live was born – me.  This post details some of my … Continue reading

Posted in Not news | 1 Comment

Ash dieback continues to slaughter trees throughout Europe despite online game

UK.  Scientists revealed today that they are very surprised that Ash Dieback, a fatal fungal disease of ash trees, has maintained its relentless march through Europe, slaughtering millions of trees, despite their production of an online game designed to prevent … Continue reading

Posted in Not news | 1 Comment

Consortium partner is going to do everything you do, only worse

Europe.  A new survey has revealed that no matter which consortia you find yourself a member of, there will always be a partner who claims they plan to do exactly the same as you, only far, far worse. Increasingly funders insist … Continue reading

Posted in Not news | Leave a comment