A guest post by Derek Blander, the most amazing scientist of all time….
In 1957, the world was bequeathed a gift – one of the greatest scientists to ever live was born – me. This post details some of my achievements since then, and I know you will all kneel down in front of me and worship my patents.
Despite being minus 4 years old, in 1953 I discovered the double helical structure of DNA. A few other people did a bit of minor ground work, such as Rosalind Franklin and Watson and Crick, but the most important bit was definitely me, no doubt about it.
In 1983, following many decades of hard work on my now beloved molecule, DNA, I invented the polymerase-chain reaction (PCR). This reaction can take a single molecule of DNA and amplify it many times over – one might say over-amplifying the achievements of that piece of DNA, something I have become incredibly good at.
In 1994 I turned to Maths and proved Fermat’s last theorum, then transferred careers to Scotland where my team cloned Dolly the sheep. I discovered the Tau neutrino in my spare time whilst single-handedly sequencing and publishing the human genome. Craig Venter is just a stray piece of my ego that broke away and became real.
I produced the first induced pluripotent stem cells, sequenced the neanderthal genome and discovered the Higgs boson whilst at CERN. Not only did I discover CRISPR, but I was actually the person who told God how to make it.
Now that we have the record straight, I hope you can all see just how amazing I am. You are lucky to know (of) me.
Yours
Derek Blander
The Science Web 
This is not an accurate reflection of my work.